It is so totally our egos that take over when we are uncomfortable or afraid. But some little voice inside people who aren’t aware of what’s going on, tells them that they should be with the dying person. Which is true, it can be very beneficial to just sit with a dying person, to keep them as clean and comfortable as possible. To talk to them only if they want to talk. To be aware of what they want.
If they don’t want the TV in the room on, don’t turn it on If they say, leave me alone, LEAVE THEM ALONE. It seems so simple, but we find it so hard to do.
But often there is such drama, such play acting, people think they should do something. Every time, people ask, “what can i do?” There is nothing to do but sit. and love our friend and loved one who is passing from this existence to whatever is after. Of course if we bring food or gifts, without asking or to see if it is needed, and we buzz about trying to help and find something to do, when its all over, we can say we helped, we did all we could do. it made no difference to the dying person, unless they are needlessly roused over and over and created just a little chaos for the family, but dammit, we helped. There is nothing to do but sit. and love our friend and loved one who is passing from this existence to whatever is after. the dying person, might be wanting to meditate, or concentrate on seeing the light with no external stimulus.
The trick is to be able to see what they need and really listen to what they want, and love them. It is a good time to reflect on one’s own life and meditate using whatever teaching or methods you use.
Don’t call or write to share your own experiences, and especially do not push your own beliefs on them. Now is not the time.
All religions or philosophies have some form of meditation, and teachings around death. Find out what works for you, what is beneficial by bringing peaceful calm to yourself and loved ones.
Three years ago, I had a friend who just got told her son died, and needed me. I went across the street and upstairs to see what was going on. She made the mistake of sending a message online to her best friend that lived in another state to let her know right away.
What she needed from me at the time, was to field all the phone calls. I was even feeling overwhelmed after a few minutes. When one would hang up, another would call. My friend was told that her son died of a drug overdose.
These people were all calling her not to give their condolences, but to tell her how they knew someone who died of drug overdose and that it was awful.
This was her son, she knew how awful it was. I suggested to my friend to just unplug the phone. But she didn’t want to in case a call she was waiting for with more information about her son’s body would come home, since he died out of state.
I took calls for a couple of hours from a steady stream of her friends and family, just wanting to share their own opinions and outrage about drugs. not one person asked about her or offered sympathy for her son dying.
What i am saying here is, be aware of when you are benefiting the other person, and when you are only thinking of yourself.
I am about half scared ‘to death’ that my wishes and living will orders and such won’t be followed either – or will only be followed while i am able to yell at someone. As soon as my health declines enough that i can’t argue anymore – will my caretakers just go back to what the doctors want?
I hope and pray that when i am struck ill, that i can sit alone in a forest somewhere with my thoughts until the end comes. I don’t want all the drama and others thinking they have to ‘do’ something. From my experience so far, with all the people I’ve sat with when their end is near, I am the only one who fought for what they wanted til the end. I will have no one to fight for me. When i cant argue anymore, will someone stuff a feeding tube down my nose?
I’m not scared to die, but i am very afraid of the living.